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My friends and I were talking about Kumail Nanjiani’s hit rom-com The Big Sick, which polarized South Asian viewers because of the lukewarm love story, the pro-white lover narrative, the pattern of omitting brown women in the story, the existence of Ray Romano, etc. It’s a topic that we as a community still hotly debate in darkweb forums even though mainstream America’s mostly moved on, right after we continue to critically eviscerate Slumdog Millionaire and judge whether Sanjaya Malakar was truly the American Idol.
For the uninitiated, it’s a story based on comedian Kumail Nanjiani’s real romance with his wife Emily Gordon, where he bonds with her family and deals with his own when she falls into a coma. In it, his parents play strict Pakistani immigrants, unwilling to compromise, guilt-tripping their son into an arranged marriage, and kicking him out of their lives when he refuses. To be fair, this depiction isn’t necessarily false—some people unfortunately have these kinds of families—but it’s also not complete.
Yesterday, my friend shared this tweet with me, which reframed the whole movie:
Man where was this dad in the movie? The one we saw literally just yells at Kumail for pursuing standup comedy and betraying their family. My own brown parents are soft, affectionate people themselves, and while some parts of the movie ring true to me, other parts, like Kumail’s sentiments on his openly emotional dad, are missing. I wish we would’ve seen the softer side of brown parents (let alone immigrant parents, let alone brown fathers) at least hinted at in Kumail’s movie.
It feels like so many movies about minorities work the same way, retreading the same conflicts over and over to educate white America on the classic foibles of non-white families, so even though I can relate to The Big Sick in some ways because Kumail’s brown, the movie doesn’t quite feel like it was made for me. Not that I expect a window into my own life every time I watch a movie with a brown person in it—Kumail and Emily made this movie for Kumail and Emily—but the parts of their story they excluded would’ve been so much more exciting to see.
This, to me, is the problem with The Big Sick and with many other mainstream media about minorities. Even if they don’t have to, they work inside stereotypes. Whether they play along with or push against them is irrelevant because either way, it’s in relation to what an outsider expects. We rarely see a storyline where parents have openly accepted a cross-cultural marriage, or a minority character pursues their unorthodox dreams with full support of their family, or where a minority character plays the next John McClane in a potential Die Hard reboot with no dramatic weight attributed to their minority-ness. I’m not saying that the existence of stereotypical storylines is wrong—there’s truth to them—but they’re rarely balanced out by the more mundane, poignant truths.
To be clear, I don’t blame Kumail or Emily for how this movie went—it was funny and entertaining and probably thirty-eight pudgy studio executives airbrushed the narrative with everything but a laugh track. It’s just part of this big, queasy pattern wherein we absorb stereotypes from the media and relate to ourselves through them. My Indian friends and I would do this growing up. We’d tease each other if we smelled like coconut oil, do exaggerated accents to be funny, and poke fun at each other about mango juice or finger toothbrushes or whatever. I remember the song “Welcome to India” by Ludakrishna and Vikram MC, a ridiculous song that still brings back fond memories—but its lyrics are basically a laundry list of Indian stereotypes, referencing Frooti mango juice, Tata motors, the Maruti Supreme, and many other things we thought we were supposed to know.
The irony’s that living in this world of stereotypes makes us look at each other in terms of “how Indian we are” instead of for our unique personalities—the whole reason many of our parents moved here to begin with. I don’t even think this self-view completely goes away as we grow up. There are secret rules: having white friends is “cool,” surrounding yourself with only brown people means you’re insecure, doing something creative means you’ve “grown into yourself.” Even my parents had them, jokingly asking me, “aren’t we such strict Indian parents?” after letting me nap and play video games after school. Most unsettling and allegorical was this time in college where a friend approached me at a party and told me he thought it was “disgusting” that so many Indian kids on campus hung out with each other exclusively, and I then transcribed that conversation into a killer paper for my Art of the Essay class.
I know that, especially with all that’s been going on recently, it’s a little ridiculous to complain about stereotypes in movies. Movies aren’t real, and they will unfortunately not save America. Even to my problem of stereotypes in brown movies, the solution is (not easy but) simple: pump out more movies about different kinds of brown experiences so they average out into something reasonable. But I feel strongly about this because stories and people are sort of the same. Stories have personality and attitude and tone, and people are collections of stories. They can both move people emotionally, and they’re both objects of judgment, whether intentional or not. So my simple and unsexy wish is to see a South Asian movie break expectations without really meaning to, just by telling a story in its own way the same way a person might just exist as themselves instead in relation to a narrative, and people will love it for being a cool, subversive story in its own right instead of being “the first South Asian romance” or “a different kind of Indian story.” What person would want to be known for that?
Other Things Of Note
Speaking of unorthodox South Asian American stories, an old friend from college Krish has been hustling his ass off the past year or so making music. He recently put out an album Butter that I really like. For anyone who loves R&B. Check it out!
I am looking for a large e-reader. My Kindle (6”) is tiny and frustrating and increasing font size makes the page size laughably small. Pls send recommendations.
After hearing a recommendation from someone very culinarily talented, I decided to check out the “Gourmet Makes” YouTube channel and watched their pop-tart making video……very satisfying watch if you were addicted to this shit as a kid:
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—Chuckry Vengadam (@churrthing)
Thank you for sharing your thoughts Chuckry! You're such a talented writer; every post is always spot-on and this one is no exception. I really relate to everything you've written, especially about not seeing yourself and experience reflected in mainstream media. It's so refreshing to read that you have a similar experience to me.
While I enjoyed The Big Sick because it was cute (read: Kumail is cute), I think Kumail's movie is a great example of how Hollywood (and mainstream media) is only interested in telling stories that make white people feel and look good. Hollywood looooves narratives where the brown (sub with any minority) person abandons the cultural traditions of their community that are considered antiquated and un-American (e.g. arranged marriage) in favor of American ideals of individualism and whiteness ("love triumphs over race!" without any serious examination of race dynamics in the relationship). There isn't really space for stories that operate outside of stereotypes because there are so few to begin with, and thus as you said, the only movies that make it to the big screen are ones that already fit the stereotypical storyline that white people expect and understand.
And to this point: "I know that, especially with all that’s been going on recently, it’s a little ridiculous to complain about stereotypes in movies." – yes, but also, life imitates art, does it not? :)
My roommate Priya is a film buff and I'm sure knows of plenty of indie South Asian stories/movies that are way more multi-dimensional. If you're interested I can ask her if she has any suggestions for you!
You bring up a great point. We may not have many stories/films about celebrating the simple things and support for being different. Wonder if that's because people create what sells. Maybe South Asian immigrant parents are charged with self doubt and insecurity about how to be parents in a different culture that they they're not even aware of other ways to be:)! Loved the post, Chuckry.